A new Calorie Credits scheme for the NHS is being piloted by applying the principles of Net Zero to Healthcare. Put simply, if you fancy eating something unhealthy, you simply pay another person to eat something healthy.
Ned Milibrain who came up with the idea said “We expect Calorie Credits to eliminate obesity from the UK by 2030. I’ve already bought a colleague in my office a lentil burger for lunch today, thus nullifying my own bacon sandwich.”
Mr Milibrain went on to say that any food consumed at banquets at climate change conferences is exempt from requiring calorie credits.
Critics, however, have pointed out that with most of our farmland being covered in solar panels, growing the healthy food required could be a challenge. Ned Milibrain again: “Transporting food from other countries doesn’t count as it won’t affect our own net zero targets. We’ll be encouraging other countries to get more children into work on farms, as they have done with lithium mining. As for food security, in the event of shortages, we’ll just ask other countries nicely and I’m sure they will prioritise our citizens equally with their own”.
If the pilot of Net Zero in Healthcare is successful, the scheme is expected to be extended to alcohol consumption, although a government minister said that they would “prefer all vestiges of fun and pleasure to be removed entirely from people’s lives”.
Disclaimer: The characters, locations and policies in this blog are all fictional. Any resemblance to actual persons, clowns or buffoons living or dead, is purely coincidental.